What is Homosexuality?

In September I wrote a post called "What is SSA?" on my public blog. It was my attempt to illustrate what Same Sex Attractions was to me- what I went through. The description is hellish. As I read it now, I realize that if that is what SSA is, then I don't have SSA anymore. I've been cured! So what is it that I have? Homosexuality? What is homosexuality?

Homosexuality is thinking about him all the time. It's thinking about the way he smells and sings and laughs and says "ok" and looks at me. It's wanting to be with him all the time. It's feeling so good about myself I could die.

Homosexuality is the way that I light up when I see him. It's not being able to control or suppress the excitement. It's not caring who sees me as I beam and run to him. It's the rise in my stomach and flutter in my chest when he calls. It's the light in my eyes when we talk. And when we don't talk.

Homosexuality is being attracted to him. It's doing what feels natural and right, rather than feigned and contrived. It's collapsing every time I look into his eyes. It's trying to figure out which paints I would mix to get that color. It's impossible.

Homosexuality is the security of being in his arms. It's the warmth of his body. It's the sweat in his palms. It's not being able to hold him tight enough. Or be held tight enough.

Homosexuality is being rejected by everyone except myself. And him. It's sacrificing the need to please my parents. The church. The world. It's wanting to do nothing more than to please him. It's giving in to the hardest thing I ever thought I would never do. It's being myself. It's being loved. It's loving. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's real. It's . . . this.