In September I wrote a post called "What is SSA?" on my public blog. It was my attempt to illustrate what Same Sex Attractions was to me- what I went through. The description is hellish. As I read it now, I realize that if that is what SSA is, then I don't have SSA anymore. I've been cured! So what is it that I have? Homosexuality? What is homosexuality?
Homosexuality is thinking about him all the time. It's thinking about the way he smells and sings and laughs and says "ok" and looks at me. It's wanting to be with him all the time. It's feeling so good about myself I could die.
Homosexuality is the way that I light up when I see him. It's not being able to control or suppress the excitement. It's not caring who sees me as I beam and run to him. It's the rise in my stomach and flutter in my chest when he calls. It's the light in my eyes when we talk. And when we don't talk.
Homosexuality is being attracted to him. It's doing what feels natural and right, rather than feigned and contrived. It's collapsing every time I look into his eyes. It's trying to figure out which paints I would mix to get that color. It's impossible.
Homosexuality is the security of being in his arms. It's the warmth of his body. It's the sweat in his palms. It's not being able to hold him tight enough. Or be held tight enough.
Homosexuality is being rejected by everyone except myself. And him. It's sacrificing the need to please my parents. The church. The world. It's wanting to do nothing more than to please him. It's giving in to the hardest thing I ever thought I would never do. It's being myself. It's being loved. It's loving. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's real. It's . . . this.
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3 comments:
Dude. That is sickeningly adorable. ♥
Homosexuality is the beauty of his mind. His eyes closed in thought, fashioning images that do not yet exist. It is wanting to see what he sees and to know his deepest dreams. It is adoring the passion and sincerity of his soul.
Homosexuality is letting myself love and be loved. It is not a sign of giving up- just fighting a different battle.
Homosexuality is trusting my heart.
SSA is the term used by the religious right to distort the way we experience our sexuality, to try to turn it into something that is "merely" physical, that has nothing to do with the many dimensions of sexuality that are not physical -- the emotional, spiritual and social. It is an attempt to demean and dismiss the significance by reducing it to a fetish or an "attraction" when it is so much more than that. No heterosexual would describe the love he or she feels for his or her spouse as nothing more than an "attraction."
I use the term SSA because I don't like to argue with folks... And because, with the recent statements made by LDS leaders and in the new pamphlet, there's more of an acknowledgment of the multi-dimensional aspects of "SSA." The Church IS fortunately moving to a more realistic understanding of "SSA" and eventually, "SSA" will come to have the same meaning that other inadequate terms to describe gayness have come to connote (such as "homosexuality" -- which unfortunately also denotes something that is "merely" sexual).
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