Then why the hell are you so sad?

We're told over and over in Mormonism that righteousness is happiness and wickedness is misery. I see it as one of the biggest philosophies of LDS doctrine (is it a philosophy?)- so much hinges on this postulate. Since, according to Church policy, homosexuality is wickedness and a successful, eternal marriage is the highest form of righteousness, those who are married and faithful to the commandments are therefore happy, right? Those in sinful, though committed, same gender relationships ought to be unhappy, right?

So why isn't that what I'm seeing or experiencing? Let's start with what I'm seeing. After spending months of reading the blogs of Gay Mormons who are keeping the commandments and are married to women, I have definitely noticed how quick they are to proclaim their happiness. They always tell me how happy they are doing the right thing. What bothers me, though, is that I don't sense that happiness from their blogs. Granted, I realize it is extremely unfair to judge a person by a blog. That is certainly a very small, private part of their personality and existence, and I would be shallow to think it accurately represented their whole selves. But I am still so disturbed when I read about the pain caused by their situation. Let me pull a few quotes. Tell me if you are likewise disturbed:

"My wife and I had a lengthy conversation this evening. I opened up to her (which I NEVER usually do). We talked about a lot of things, mostly about how much I struggle to make connections with people, how emotionally exhausted and dead I feel, how the void I feel is exhausting me and what our futures may be like. I have never really been able to feel a strong connection to her. I also struggle with a connection to my kids. I struggle to be even in the same room with any of them." (One of so Many, 11/22/07).

"Yesterday I was hit with the realization that this battle is far from over. . . I guess I had kind of hoped that the process was beginning to work But today they were back with a vengeance. It was a little depressing. Also, I think that the reality of the situation hit my wife. She was very quiet. She doesn't feel that she is quite ready to talk about all of her thoughts and feelings. I can totally understand that. I have had years to work out how I feel about my situation and I'm still in the dark. I can only imagine how she is feeling after three days. Still, it is hard. She is really my only friend and with our relationship strained, (still filled with love, but awkward) I struggle. . . This journey sure isn't going to be easy. Before when I turned to P and M to satisfy my urges, I was able to somewhat repress them. Now I can only pray for the strength to resist long enough for my heart to begin to change. No, this won't be easy. . . Someday, the pull of attraction to men will have no power over me. Until that day? I keep reaching upward." (Reaching Upward, 11/10/07).

"All day today I am obsessed with things that are distracting me from work, family, the [S]pirit... I am drawn to the need to 'kiss-a-guy' thoughts, to the point of insanity! This is so absurd. Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to? I mean, it's to the point that I want to go to my 'other apartment' where I 'keep' my boyfriend." (Beck, 11/5/07).

"Somehow, I've reached a point where I have few sexual desires, and when I do, they can be either gay or straight (bisexual?). Sometimes niether side wins out and I feel asexual. I'm guessing that this is due to the depression. A decreased libedo is one of the symptoms. This, in and of itself, has been a good thing since it has made it much easier to resist temptation. However, it also leaves me feeling quite bland - like I have no sexual identity." (Forester, 11/5/07).

There are other quotes from those blogs, and there are other blogs, but I just wanted to highlight some of the sentiments that really scare me in these mixed orientation marriages. They are so quick to say they are happy when they have to defend their choice to get into the marriage, but I'm not reading that when they post their thoughts.

Contrast that to the joy, peace, confidence, and security I sense in reading COG, YoungStranger, and FamilyBlend's blogs. Though these men are in committed, same-sex relationships, they seem like they are really happy. And what's funny is that they don't go around telling people that they are happy. You can just tell. (I'll let you hunt for your own evidences of happiness as you read their blogs).

So that's what I'm seeing, now let me share what I am experiencing. When I was keeping the commandments, trying to live a heterosexual life by dating women, and trying to rid myself of same sex attractions, I was depressed. The summer before my mission, of all times, I was suicidal. I was miserable, repressed, and even felt uncontrollable urges for unhealthy sexual outlets.

Contrast that to the joy, peace, confidence, and security I feel now despite my relationship with Draco. I feel so whole and so happy. I'm not saying that I don't have sad moments. Lots of things make me feel down. But overall, I feel good about myself, and that's the kind of happiness I think is the ultimate peace.

Which assumption is wrong then? The assumption that wickedness never was happiness, or the assumption that homosexuality is wickedness?

I guess there are some things you just know

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Mark Twain

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A post I wrote a while ago:

My roommate and his girlfriend went ring shopping the other day. This afternoon I asked them about love. It took them 2 months before they said "I love you." I asked how they knew they were in love. She said it started out where she just thought about him all the time. She just knew. I asked if that was infatuation. She said at first it was. It evolved after that. For some infatuation lasts 18 months. We laughed and said by then a BYU couple is already married.

I don't think that love is something anyone can really define for anyone else. I think it's something we crave so much that we have to be careful not to mistake the need for love with love itself. We must also be careful not to mistake love for infatuation. That being said, there is nothing wrong with infatuation. It is a natural stage that all relationships go through. I believe that a relationship that doesn't have an infatuation stage is not going to lead to a happy marriage.

I have never been infatuated with a woman. I have never thought about a woman all the time. In fact anything I've ever had with a woman has been very contrived. I have obsessed over guys, though. And based on how that infatuation feels, I have pretty much decided I can't live my whole life without ever falling in love. I won't live my life without ever falling in love. I can't do this whole Earth thing alone, even if it means having to do the whole heaven thing alone.

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"Sometimes love is stronger than a man's convictions." - Isaac Bashevis Singer

. . . just trying to make things right.

Do I believe in the Church? I’m having a hard time with this right now. In the past I have written beautiful, zealous discourses on how much I believe in the Church. Then I started seeing how the Church was flawed. How it wasn’t meeting certain spiritual needs. Then I did something the Church told me would make me miserable. Then I found out the Church was wrong about that one thing. Now I feel uncomfortable at Church when people talk about obedience or evil. Where am I going? How fast am I going to end up there?

I’ll tell you what I do believe. I believe in God. I know that there is an external power that loves me and directs me. He has guided me my whole life, regardless of what I have been doing. He uses many resources to help me. He wants me to be happy. He is very real. He directed me on my mission in specific ways to help people change their lives by joining the Church. I have seen His mercy. I have felt His compassion. I have seen His wisdom and power. I believe in God.

I believe in Jesus Christ. I have felt a forgiveness of my sins, and continue to feel relieved of guilt. I know, therefore, that His Atonement is real. I know that He is compassionate, forgiving, and full of grace. I believe that He loves me and redeems me. He is the only one who makes it possible for us to have a clear conscience. He carries my burdens and comforts me.

I believe in revelation. I believe in inspiration. I have been inspired with wisdom beyond my own. I have had things revealed to me in spiritual ways. I have had spiritual experiences that are powerful and that feel wonderful, including experiences regarding the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith’s first vision, and Jesus Christ’s atonement.

I believe in love. I never knew that I could fall in love. I never knew what falling in love would be like. Now I do. I look back and see that I have loved people my whole life. Loving people and being loved is important, and it makes me happy. I hope that I can be in love forever.

I believe in joy. Real, lasting joy. I believe that joy is so much more than pleasure. I believe that joy is something that comes when you love yourself, are comfortable with yourself, and have a clear conscience. I believe that joy is obtainable. I believe it is obtainable in this life. I experience joy in my life in greater degrees because I am in love, because I am inspired, because of Jesus Christ, because of God. Joy is my ultimate hope for myself and for others.

Something so tender I can't explain

I just ran into the girl I dated after I got home from my mission. I hadn’t seen her in quite a while. Every time I run into girls I have dated before, I feel this weird feeling. I suddenly get concerned about how I look. Do I seem happy? Am I presentable today? I also get kinda flirty. I feel like I want to show her what she is missing. Why?

Why do I care how girls feel about me when I am not dating girls? What is it that I want from girls anyway? My roommate said some pretty hurtful things to me last week, and one of the things he used to justify it was the excitement I had when I was dating this girl at the beginning of the semester. It’s true, I was excited about dating her. Why? I have done a lot of thinking about it over the past week, and today running into her made me realize what it is.

I have always been excited about dating girls because I like being liked and I know that girls like me. I want to be attractive, and girls find me attractive. I get excited about the way she responds to me. Its all very selfish, to be honest. Dating girls, for me, is about being attractive, achieving status, looking good, working towards the ideal LDS future that would please my family (also making me look good). I have even dated girls because it makes me more liked by guys, something that I worked hard for. What I have never done is date girls because I was interested in them. I have never been interested in her.

So what about this guy? What is different about him? I certainly get just as excited about dating him- more so. What excites me, though, is that I am attracted to him. I want to be attracted to someone, and I am attracted to him. I get excited about the way that I respond to him. That may sound selfish, but really it’s not. It’s all about him. It’s all about loving him. Dating him, for me, is about him being attractive, caring for him, wanting him to be happy, wanting a real relationship, wanting mutual love and affection. It’s about being interested in his personality, his attributes, everything about him. And I’m certainly not dating him because it makes me look good or because it makes others like me more. To the contrary, that is something I have had to sacrifice. I date him because I am interested in him.

I get sick of people who tell me that I need to be less selfish and date girls. I get tired of people who tell me that seeing him is about pleasure, lust, and gratification. I am done with people who tell me that I need to give up my relationship to experience happiness. I’m sorry, but there in no longer any doubt in my mind. Dating him is not only not wrong, it is right.

Introduction

Lately there have been so many things that I have wanted to post, but that I haven't been able to post because it would hurt someone. Having a private blog, as obnoxious as it is, enables me to post what I want while being able to control who reads it. Just because you can read it, doesn't mean you have to read it though. Don't feel obligated to keep up with and comment all the time on my private blog. But if you enjoy it, then by all means, I appreciate the comments!

What is Homosexuality?

In September I wrote a post called "What is SSA?" on my public blog. It was my attempt to illustrate what Same Sex Attractions was to me- what I went through. The description is hellish. As I read it now, I realize that if that is what SSA is, then I don't have SSA anymore. I've been cured! So what is it that I have? Homosexuality? What is homosexuality?

Homosexuality is thinking about him all the time. It's thinking about the way he smells and sings and laughs and says "ok" and looks at me. It's wanting to be with him all the time. It's feeling so good about myself I could die.

Homosexuality is the way that I light up when I see him. It's not being able to control or suppress the excitement. It's not caring who sees me as I beam and run to him. It's the rise in my stomach and flutter in my chest when he calls. It's the light in my eyes when we talk. And when we don't talk.

Homosexuality is being attracted to him. It's doing what feels natural and right, rather than feigned and contrived. It's collapsing every time I look into his eyes. It's trying to figure out which paints I would mix to get that color. It's impossible.

Homosexuality is the security of being in his arms. It's the warmth of his body. It's the sweat in his palms. It's not being able to hold him tight enough. Or be held tight enough.

Homosexuality is being rejected by everyone except myself. And him. It's sacrificing the need to please my parents. The church. The world. It's wanting to do nothing more than to please him. It's giving in to the hardest thing I ever thought I would never do. It's being myself. It's being loved. It's loving. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's real. It's . . . this.