I just ran into the girl I dated after I got home from my mission. I hadn’t seen her in quite a while. Every time I run into girls I have dated before, I feel this weird feeling. I suddenly get concerned about how I look. Do I seem happy? Am I presentable today? I also get kinda flirty. I feel like I want to show her what she is missing. Why?
Why do I care how girls feel about me when I am not dating girls? What is it that I want from girls anyway? My roommate said some pretty hurtful things to me last week, and one of the things he used to justify it was the excitement I had when I was dating this girl at the beginning of the semester. It’s true, I was excited about dating her. Why? I have done a lot of thinking about it over the past week, and today running into her made me realize what it is.
I have always been excited about dating girls because I like being liked and I know that girls like me. I want to be attractive, and girls find me attractive. I get excited about the way she responds to me. Its all very selfish, to be honest. Dating girls, for me, is about being attractive, achieving status, looking good, working towards the ideal LDS future that would please my family (also making me look good). I have even dated girls because it makes me more liked by guys, something that I worked hard for. What I have never done is date girls because I was interested in them. I have never been interested in her.
So what about this guy? What is different about him? I certainly get just as excited about dating him- more so. What excites me, though, is that I am attracted to him. I want to be attracted to someone, and I am attracted to him. I get excited about the way that I respond to him. That may sound selfish, but really it’s not. It’s all about him. It’s all about loving him. Dating him, for me, is about him being attractive, caring for him, wanting him to be happy, wanting a real relationship, wanting mutual love and affection. It’s about being interested in his personality, his attributes, everything about him. And I’m certainly not dating him because it makes me look good or because it makes others like me more. To the contrary, that is something I have had to sacrifice. I date him because I am interested in him.
I get sick of people who tell me that I need to be less selfish and date girls. I get tired of people who tell me that seeing him is about pleasure, lust, and gratification. I am done with people who tell me that I need to give up my relationship to experience happiness. I’m sorry, but there in no longer any doubt in my mind. Dating him is not only not wrong, it is right.
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*Blushes
The women I dated, I liked very much as friends. I mostly connected with them on an intellectual or emotional or spiritual level, but NEVER on a remotely physical or romantic level. To the extent there was ever any kind of physical contact (like holding hands or a peck on the cheek) they initiated it. I was never comfortable with that, with them. It's just the way I'm wired.
When I started dating guys, it was quite simply a situation where I was finally capable of relating and connecting on EVERY level -- emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical. It was complete.
Of course, not every guy I dated related to ME on every level. Unfortunately, a lot of guys I dated were about just one thing... sex. I am so incredibly grateful and lucky that I finally found my soulmate. We've been together for more than 15 years, and in that time the bond has just grown more meaningful and powerful and beautiful. We've hit plenty of bumps in the road, mostly because of my stupidity.
You guys are so fortunate to have found a relationship that is whole and complete and multi-dimensional. Hang on to that, nurture it. It will bring you greater joy than any other earthly relationship. If there's any way I can support you, I will do it. Just let me know!
Love, John.
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